Don’t Be Blindsided by the Teen Years

Forwarded to RW....

Parents with children in the “tween” years should pat themselves on the back for a job well done! After a decade of protecting and nurturing their growing child, parenting can become easier at this time. But they would be wise to consider this breather period as a time to prepare for the often turbulent teen years and make the appropriate adjustments in their parenting style.

When your child reaches the ”tween” years, parenting can seem to smooth out and become easier, but those who have been through this stage might call it, “the calm before the storm.” The parent of a “tween-ager” may be tempted to think, “Why change the way I relate to my child, since things are going so well right now?” Here’s why…in a year or two your teen will begin to earnestly seek independence. They will spend more time away from you and your home, and they’ll become influenced by their culture and friends.

When kids begin thinking and reasoning for themselves, their parents may realize too late that they haven’t properly shifted their own parenting style to accommodate for a more self-willed and self-sufficient child. They can therefore be surprised and dismayed at the rift it creates in their relationship.

Lacking a strong relationship with parents, teenagers who are spending more time away from home begin thinking they are in control and that their parents are irrelevant and totally out of sync with them and the world. A parent who hasn’t learned to shift their style of parenting will see their child pull away from them at this time. To their dismay, they’ll see their teen making immature decisions that can lead them down the wrong path in life.

To prevent your child from pulling away from you, here are a few suggestions for changing your parenting style for the next decade of your child’s life. Implementing these suggestions will provide a more stable line of defense by keeping you and your teen in a closer relationship; minimizing the possibility you’ll be blindsided by the storms of adolescence.

Change 1: Give Your Teen Room to Decide on Their Own, Within Boundaries First, realize that your child no longer needs or wants you to control their every move. So major on the majors and avoid hovering over your teen. Demanding that they follow your lead is counterproductive to their maturing process. It gets in the way of the greater goal of teaching them how to think for themselves and it can spoil the opportunity for them to flex their options-seeking and decision-making muscles. So, allow them to learn how to solve their own problems through finding their own answers. Don’t force your opinions or directives on them about the less significant matters in their life. Establish and enforce age-appropriate and moral boundaries to corral their behavior, but within those boundaries, allow them to make most of their own decisions. They will probably not make the right decisions at first, but failing a few times will teach them the right answer or at least to seek other alternatives the next time. Your job in the teen years is not to hawk over them and rescue them, as you did when they were younger, but to guide and encourage them.

Change 2: Focus on Building Character More than Demanding Obedience Secondly, change the focus and intent of your rules from protection to character-building. The most important character-building qualities your child will develop include keeping commitments and living honestly and respectfully. So, set up boundaries and rules in regard to these qualities, and seek out situations where character can be developed. For example, help them find a job where they will be held accountable for arriving on time. Let them volunteer and help those less fortunate while at the same time taking on leadership and responsibility. Assign the strongest penalties and consequences for character misjudgments, such as displays of disrespect, lying and cheating.

Change 3: Listen Twice as Much as You Speak I see two extremes in the way many parents listen, and neither one is very helpful. A parent might listen carefully, but then react to every word that comes out of their teen’s mouth. Or, a parent assumes they already know what their child is thinking, and ignores what they say entirely. As difficult as it can be to hear what your teen is really thinking, I believe it is better to know it than to not know it. However, knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to react or respond immediately. Sometimes your teen is just “thinking out loud” in an attempt to process a difficulty they are experiencing. If you are guilty of not really listening, you may see your teen baiting you and picking fights just to try to get you to understand what’s going on in their life — at a deeper level. And if you miss what they are really trying to say, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

But listening only works if you find ways to keep in touch. That’s why I recommend connecting with your teen periodically when they are out of the house, and requiring a breakfast or lunch meeting once a week, just to hear them out. Connect with them in all the ways that they connect with their friends — through texting, email, social media, and cell phone. Make it comfortable and fun for your teen to bring friends home, so you can get to know them and they you.

Ask your teen questions and don’t give your opinion until you are invited to do so. Show them you value their opinion. Zip your lip and open your ears, even if it makes for an uncomfortable silence. It is a simple concept with staggering ramifications for a child who has for the first decade of their life looked to you for leading the discussion and giving all the answers.

Change 4: Teach Them How to Weigh the Options Parents are sometimes so intent on passing along their values and beliefs that they send the wrong message to their teen – one that says, “I know better than you, so your opinion doesn’t matter.” One sure way to set up a power struggle with your teen and a rift in your relationship is to make them feel that their opinions are stupid, or that some things cannot discussed with you. A more productice way to respond to a teen’s rash conclusions is by saying, “I understand what you’re saying, but might there be other options?” The more you ask thoughtful questions, the more your teen will learn to think through their other options, rather than acting on the first idea that comes to mind. Teaching a teen to weigh the options and foresee the results is a valuable tool they’ll use again and again throughout their life. Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. – Max Lucado More on this topic go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org to listen online or subscribe to the free audio feeds. ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and executive director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents. Mark’s blog can be read at www.markgregston.com. His daily radio programs can be heard at www.parentingtodaysteens.org. Mark on Facebook.

What are your limitations?

There is nothing more frustrating to me like seeing a Christian that is not living out their full potential in God. This is one of the reasons I believe, why the Christian experience for some is boring, old and stale. What is it for some Christians that hold them back from being who they are TRULY supposed to be? And doing what they are created to do? There is totally more to you than just who you see! Fear: Some of us are just afraid of making the step. We know what we are supposed to do but we simply lack the faith to carry out the course of action. Maybe we fear that we will lose other things that we have already started, or lose other things that we do have control over. Self-Consumption: Some of us get so tied up in ourselves that we lack the freedom to be released into our God-given ministry. We get so consumed with our relationships, our economic status, our single living, our titles at work, our marital status, our different responsibilities, our roles in our families etc. that we fail to see anything else beyond those very moments we are in. Perfection: Some of us are waiting for the perfect day to step out of our caves a.k.a. comfort zones. We will not make a move until everything on our to-do list is fulfilled: we cannot afford to make a mistake, so we spend a long time anticipating the day of perfection. Or maybe we have all the plans set out: all our ducks are in one row; our mission statements & visions are written out, bound and framed; and all we need is the perfect day to start! Luke 19:13 - Occupy till I come If we are not doing what we need to be doing, then the scripture above will be in vain. The bible clearly tells us what to do until the Lord comes again. But somehow we feel that His return is in the far future, when on the contrary, it’s nearer than ever! Wherever you are right now, although it is a good place, is merely a stepping stone to a greater place in God. The higher we get in God, the closer we are in completing our walk with God. It’s like a ladder of continuous progression. My only prayer for us is that we are always going up, and not the other way around! It’ll be sad to die today, go to heaven (hopefully, for us all), and discover that you hadn’t finished your duty on earth. We need to come out of our shells, snap out of the moment, and get to work! Consider after getting that promotion at work, and then neglecting the very job that promoted you. Or after getting married, and then neglecting the work of the very God that gave you the married life. Or after buying that dream house, and then all you do is live in it (day in, day out) and never do anything with the house that God gave you. No one else will do your job but you! It’s time to wake up ladies! The word of God in Luke 19:13 requires of us to be busy with ourselves, to get into business, to do the things that really matter, to work with practice, to accomplish tasks, to collect dues, to commit to work, to carry out deeds, to do exactly what we need to do, to occupy and occupy repeatedly and regularly. AMEN!

Crucial Skills: Confronting a Sick Colleague

The recent H1N1 situation illustrates the importance of motivating someone to do something they may not want to do. What can we learn about motivation from looking at the situation where people are sick but feel obligated to come to work? There are a few key concepts that provide the foundation for this discussion. Consequences Motivate. There are consequences that occur naturally, and there are consequences that are imposed or enforced by others. People make decisions to act based on the consequences they anticipate. As a result, motivation is personal because people see and anticipate different consequences. Almost subconsciously, people assess the positive and negative consequences that are most likely to occur and then they act based on those assumptions. Help Others See Consequences. We can motivate others by helping them see both the obvious and the more obscure consequences. In your situation, this includes consequences to self, to coworkers, to patients, to coworkers' and patients' families, to finances, to reputation, and to the quality of work. When we help others see and feel the consequences, people can change their desire to act in certain ways. So let's separate some of the issues in this case. For example, the manager is aching and coughing and trying to decide if she should go to work. What are the consequences of staying home? Positive consequences are that she will feel better physically. Sipping hot chocolate and lounging around the fireplace sounds pretty good. Also, she won't get anyone else sick. However, she's not sure she's that sick and she assumes the probability of getting someone else sick is fairly low. Negative consequences include not getting paid because she has exceeded her paid time off. This is particularly glaring because she has several bills that are due. She will also miss two meetings because delaying them is impossible. Catching up when she returns will be next to impossible. And while some people might have bad thoughts about her coming to work sick, she can probably avoid these people. Even if she doesn't avoid them, they probably won't speak up any way. The combined value of the anticipated consequences makes the decision easy. If she goes to work, she will get paid, get important work done, and it is highly unlikely she will get anyone sick. More importantly, no one will say anything to discourage her decision. Take note that for a doctor, the financial and productivity consequences might be even more costly and the likelihood that anyone would speak up to the doctor is almost nil. So, as someone who cares about the consequences of spreading germs, what do you do? Here is some advice. First: Manage expectations as a group around not coming in when sick. Excellent performance begins with clear expectations. When we make agreements, we often agree on the who, the what, and the how; but we would improve motivation if we focused on the why. Have a discussion about the reasons you are making this agreement and clarify the possible positive and negative consequences. Why should people not come to work when they are sick? Why should they get immunized? Look at it from the perspective of the sick person. What will they lose? What will they gain? What will happen to colleagues and patients? In addition to sharing the facts, share real stories of what happened in your hospital. Share the story of the nurse who picked up a virus at work and passed it on to her mother who was now in the intensive care unit. Where did the problem start? Usually with colleagues who came to work when they were sick. Also, talk about the financial consequences or about the trust that might be lost if a colleague makes a commitment. Helping people understand and feel the weight of both clear and obvious consequences helps them make more balanced decisions. Second: Agree to hold one another accountable. As a part of your discussion, agree to hold each other accountable and speak up to individuals who come to work sick. Part of that agreement should be that everyone will talk in a way that is safe and professional; they will try to understand and help. Speaking up and holding others accountable is not just the boss's job; it is everyone's job. When we make agreements, clarify expectations, outline natural consequences, and feel able and motivated to speak up, we reap the benefits of having a crucial confrontation. The difference between good teams and organizations and the best teams and organizations is how rapidly and respectfully problems get resolved. Individuals in these teams don't let issues fester and they don't let issues destroy relationships. They quickly and respectfully put them on the table and reach a resolution. **Forwarded by a top employer at a business firm**

9 Lies Women Tell Themselves About Men

Sitting across the table from my beautiful friend in the quaint coffee shop, my worry mounted. She was sharing details about her new whirlwind relationship that had begun a couple months earlier. “I finally met that guy I’ve been talking to on the Internet. After calling and text messaging constantly for the last two months, we decided to take it the next level—so we met half way last weekend. It was amazing. He’s perfect for me! He is so kind, smart, funny, dynamic … he is too good to be true!” Exactly! I thought to myself. “And did I mention he is financially secure? Not that money is important.” Her apparent excitement said the opposite. “Is he a Christian?” “We met at an online matchmaking site!” “Is everyone on that a Christian?” “Well … he hasn’t really been going to church—but he definitely loves God.” Saddam Hussein claims to love God. “How do you know that?” “He told me so! I just know God brought us together.” “You’ve only known him for two months. Why do you think God brought him into your life?” I had to pinch myself under the table not to sound condescending. “Because … it just feels so right when we talk. We have so much in common. He really loves me.” Oh, oh. I can see we’re in trouble now. … “So … since he’s such a great Christian guy, I’m sure he didn’t try to get you to sleep with him. I mean, he’s protecting your purity and all, right?” I had a bad feeling about this guy already. My cynicism was beginning to show. “Well … he’s not legalistic about it. I mean, we are adults and he said as long as we’re committed to each other it’s the same as being married.” Her own convictions had seemingly evaporated overnight. “So if you know each other so well, what are his weaknesses?” Besides not being a Christian, trying to get you into bed at the first chance, and being a liar. “He might be just a little bit compulsive. Is it normal for a guy to ask you to take off your shoes before you get into his car? But I guess I don’t mind too much … he has so many other great qualities, what could be so bad about that?” I’d had conversations like this with women dozens of times. In fact, for most of my own life, I was the one lying to myself. If anyone knew the lies women tell themselves to justify getting into bad relationships that led to bad marriages, it was me. And now, my precious friend, the one with whom I had discussed these lies with over and over, was falling into them much too easily. I began to pray that she would see the truth before it was too late. What about you? If you are still trying to hold out for God’s best but you find yourself identifying with some of the conversation above, read on. It’s not too late for you to begin identifying the lies you tell yourself so that you can avoid an empty marriage and shattered dreams. LIE #1: A Christian man must be God’s best choice of a mate for me. First of all, just because a man calls himself a Christian doesn’t mean a thing about his spiritual condition. Hitler probably professed to be a nice guy. What really shows a man’s faith is action—not trying to get you into bed until you are both wearing a ring; initiating his own personal relationship with God and encouraging yours as well; and especially holding his feelings back in the relationship to allow God to lead. God’s choice of a mate for you is going to be a godly man, and if you listen, God will tell you through an active prayer life and the counsel of other godly influences whether this is the one He has picked out for you. LIE #2: If it feels right, it is right. Feelings are unreliable. Don’t trust them, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. Feelings change day by day, and they can lie to you. Women who rely on them to make important decisions are going to be extremely disappointed, making one mistake after another. The decision must be made objectively and prayerfully. Sexual sin in the relationship will cloud objectivity and good judgment. LIE #3: I can overlook a few character problems (a.k.a. red flags)—no one is perfect. If a man has glaring character defects, it is likely that he is not teachable. Teachability is the number one character trait you should look for in a potential mate. I am not talking about normal struggles or mistakes, but habit pattern sins or dysfunctions that control their lives and that they are not open and contrite about. If a man is teachable, he will humbly listen to God and to his future wife when making decisions. He will be willing to work at his future marriage. LIE #4: I really know him after spending so much time talking to him. Phone and heart-to-heart conversations are no substitute for real life situations. He can tell you anything you want to hear while hiding behind a phone. But get him with his family, or behind a rude driver, or at a restaurant getting poor service, and then you begin to see what kind of a person he really is. A wise woman will wait it out awhile to observe his responses in every possible difficult and awkward situation. LIE #5: He always tells me the truth. If you think that then you don’t know most men in this world. Most men are very good at telling women what they want to hear in order to get what they want—sex. Pressure for sex from a “Christian man” should be the number one indicator of a dishonest man with underlying bad intentions and hidden motives. LIE #6: Coincidences are a sign from God. Satan, the master liar and counterfeiter, is cooking up coincidences to get you off track, so beware! He doesn’t want you to wait for God’s best. He wants to handicap your services for the Kingdom by getting you to settle for a miserable and empty marriage. Ask for godly counsel from objective bystanders, pray hard, and stay intent upon God’s will and not your own. LIE #7: It’s normal for him to pressure me for sex. That’s just how men are. True godly men live to please God and not their own selfish desires. They honor women as the treasure they are, treating them with absolute purity as Jesus would have done. They care more about the purity of their Christian sisters than a quick thrill for the moment. Sex before marriage is a sin and if a guy is pressuring, he doesn’t care about what God thinks and he doesn’t care about you either. LIE #8: There are many quality romantic perfect men out there, just like in the movies. Women have so filled their minds (and hearts) with Hollywood ideals about men, two tragedies have resulted. First, no man could ever live up to that fictitious standard so they are unfairly compared and criticized. Secondly, a woman in the beginning stages of a relationship can tend to fill in missing information about a man with imagined ideals before she even knows him. She ends up “falling in love” with an idea, not a person. When the man begins to show signs of human weakness, she is disappointed but holds onto the relationship hoping the man she first imagined will return. The few real quality men out there are the ones who are living to please God. You will need God’s help to find them. LIE #9: When I find a man and get married, I will finally feel happy and complete. If that’s true, why are so many women getting divorced (or wishing they were)? Why do Hollywood stars ditch beauties for someone else? The truth is, you will only feel happy and complete when you let God be your first love. No man—especially one who is not God’s best for you—will even come close. When the excitement wears off (and it will), you will feel more alone than when you were single. By telling ourselves the truth, we have every chance to find the very best man that God wants to give us. A great example is my friend. She ended up getting out of that wrong relationship and listening to God for direction in her dating life. A few weeks ago, I attended her wedding. Just before she walked down the isle, she closed the door of the little room behind the three of us. “We need you to say a prayer for us,” her eyes radiated happiness. It was the beautiful sentiments of the groom—God’s best for her—that showed the day to be what I had hoped for her all along. “Yes, please pray for us. It’s the only way to begin our lives together. The day just won’t be right without it.” I couldn’t have agreed more. Julie Ferwerda Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer © Julie Ferwerda. Used with permission. All right reserved. This article first appeared on CBN.com. Julie is the author of The Perfect Fit: Waiting for God’s Best After Failed Relationships and has written articles for other publications such as Marriage Partnership, Brio & Beyond, HomeLife, Discipleship Journal, and Revolve III Biblezine Project for teen girls. To order the book or to find out more go to http://www.julieferwerda.com/.

Religion vs Relationship

Ever talk to someone about the Lord and they want nothing to do with the very mention of God/church/or church folk? Ever wonder why? Most of the time, the reason why we get this kind of reaction from people is either because they have had a bad experience with church or because all their lives, that is all they've heard and they are just about sick of it. The main reason why you hit a roadblock here with certain people is because they have either never had a relationship with God or they once did and have now lost it. What they really remember is a religious experience. Religion will kill us. Anything that you do out of routine will eventually tire you and wear you out. You’ll hang in there for little minute but soon thereafter, you’ll get bored, uninterested and fed up. On the other hand, relationships sustain us. Anything that you invest in, and an investment is reciprocated towards you, will encourage you. It’ll persuade you to do more and it’ll give you confidence in that relationship. In other words, when you are in a relationship with someone, anyone; you give your part and the other person gives theirs. And sometimes, the other person goes the extra mile! In a human relationship, we definitely see this happen. In a spiritual relationship with our heavenly Father, all God requires of us is our worship - our heart, our devotion, our adoration; and He does the rest. He blesses us, keeps us, protects us, provides for us, and fights on our behalf. Religion = formality, rituals, rules and regulations, going through the motions, day-in day-out living, same routine. Relationship = full of surprises, selfless, new, original, fresh and exciting, brings joy, allows you to be yourself.