Pride has been one of the most heartbreaking sins in my life. You see, I was a "good" girl on the outside. I had mastered the role of what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Unfortunately, the abundant life Christ had promised me through His Word, and which I saw in others, remained as elusive to me as ever.
As I look back on my childhood and young adult years, I realize that the main reason I obeyed the rules was fear of disappointing others, not necessarily becuase I wanted to do the right thing. I never thought I was attactive or talented or particularly smart. I had a driving need to feel significant, but I felt I possessed nothing that was honored by my culture to make me feel I was worthy. I did, however, have my reputation. That was the area inwhich I was admired and fawned over by others. I was the responsible one, the mature one - I was even called the spiritual one, often. I strove with all my might to be what others said I was. This standard became my personal criteria to being accepted by others.
After making some destructive decisions in a dating relationship in my college years, I realized I had failed to meet my own standard of what it meant to be a "good" Christian girl. The result was crushing guilt that extinguised my joy. Worse than that, I believed the lie that I had dissapointed God beyond hope of His forgivenenss or redemption.
Until I was confronted with my own inabilitiy to be "good", I was extremely prideful of that false goodness. Pride is first on the list of detestable sins that God hates in Proverbs 6:16-19. I truly didn't see my pride as sinful. I was my own judge and jury when it came to my righteousness before God.
Self Builders:
- What have you latched onto in your life as a direct result of your need for acceptance or attention?
- Has this been something that has proven to be constructive or destructive to your relationship with God, yourself, and others?
Exerts from "Living with Unmet Desires" - Page 105
