Abuse and its effects

Abuse is the misuse, excessive use or improper use of a person or objects; for example, abuse of money, abuse of authority, abuse of position etc. When the abuse is of a person, everyone involved suffers. Abuse is all about power. Once it’s gained, it’s extremely powerful. “The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.” ~ Edmund Burke The 4 major types of abuse are: Sexual, Emotional, Mental and Physical Sexual abuse is “rape, sexual assault or sexual molestation wherein the active person forces themselves onto the abused which may be of the same or opposite sex and of any age.” It is also referred to as molestation, that is, the forcing of undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. In the event of sexual abuse, especially abuse that spans a period of time, the victim tends to experience feelings of loss of control over their own bodies and their own lives. Although there may not be any physical signs of sexual abuse – with the exception of rape, where bruises and tears may occur - there are behaviors which may indicate an occurrence of sexual abuse: • Attempts to be unattractive • Abnormal sexual knowledge • Radical mood swings • Sense of danger where he/she lives • Change in eating habits (bulimia, anorexia, or compulsive eating) • Inappropriately seductive • Apparent boredom w/age peers and age appropriate activities • Nightmares, insomnia, sleepwalking and other sleep disturbances • Radical change in school performance for better or worse • Fearful about certain people • Over achievement • Depression, crying episodes, etc. • Angry, hostile or aggressive behavior • Fear of adult or adolescent • Fear of being photographed • Anxiety reaction to authority figures • Fear of undressing or refusal to undress in gym class • Intense efforts to gain attention/affection from adults • Suicidal thinking, gestures, and attempts • Fear of nurturing/withdrawal/impaired ability to trust • Self-mutalative behavior • Self-hatred • Memory loss • Runaway • Fear of the dark • Find reasons to not be with someone they used to spend time with (or any change of behavior toward a friend or family member) • Unable to concentrate, daydreaming, 'spacing out', 'in a world of their own' • Withdrawn, isolated, or excessively worried • Nervous or fearful around adults, in particular, men • Imaginary friend(s) Victims may also react by feeling that sex and acts of sex are “dirty, wrong and unhealthy” and will avoid all intimate contact with others or they may feel that they must use sex as a way to express emotions such as love, acceptance and caring and will become involved with various sexual acts, often times developing into deviate sexual behaviors. In addition, victims of sexual abuse will need counseling in order to learn coping mechanisms for the feelings of being out of control and the attitude regarding sex and intimacy. Emotional abuse is defined as “the humiliation of a person’s feeling so that he/she perceives himself as inept/hopeless, uncared for and/or worthless.” Often times parents, caregivers or teachers will say things regarding a child's behavior, performance or skills that will make a child feel that they are “no good,” “useless,” “stupid,” or “good for nothing.” These words, whether said to a child, an adolescent or even to an adult, can harm the ego, self-esteem and self-worth of a person. Victims of emotional abuse develop feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt as they feel they are a bother or a burden to those around them. These feelings often lead to depression, isolation and suicide. Although emotional abuse leaves no physical injuries, the damage done to the mind, heart and spirit can be extremely extensive. Emotional abuse is characterized by the abuser’s manipulation and invalidation of his or her partner. Here is a list of warning signs to be aware of: Abusive Expectations: Makes unreasonable demands; Requires constant attention, or that you spend all your free time with him/her; Constantly criticizes; No matter how much you give, it never seems to be enough. Aggressing: Calls you names, accuses, blames, threatens, or gives orders; Can be disguised as “helping” or “teaching”; Judgmental “I know best” attitude. Constant Chaos: Deliberately starts arguments and may be in constant conflict with you or with others; Treats you well in front of others, but changes into a different person when you’re alone together, or vice versa; May enjoy “drama,” because it creates excitement and brings the focus back onto him/herself. Denying: Denies your personal needs, especially when that need is greatest, and does so with the intent of hurting, punishing, or humiliating you; Denies that certain events occurred or that certain things were said; Refuses to listen or communicate (silent treatment), and withdraws emotionally; Denies your perceptions, memory, and sanity; Disallows or overrules any viewpoints, perceptions, or feelings that differ from his/her own; Causes you to lose confidence in and question your own perceptions and feelings; Causes you to doubt your most powerful survival tool: your own mind. Dominating: Manipulates the relationship so that the only feelings and opinions that count are his/her own; Must have his/her own way, and will hurt your feelings if necessary in order to get it; Holds you personally responsible for his/her own happiness; Disregards your personal standards or beliefs, and may try to persuade you to do things that you don’t want to do. Emotional Blackmail: Plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, religious values, or other “hot buttons” to get what he/she wants; May threaten to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, give you the “cold shoulder,” or use other tactics to control you. Invalidation: Seeks to distort your perceptions of your own world; Refuses to or fails to acknowledge reality in order to create his/her own false reality; If you tell your partner that you felt hurt by something he/she did or said, he/she might say, “You’re too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you”; Or, the abuser might turn it around by saying, “You hurt me too sometimes. I just don’t say anything because I’m understanding.”; Suggests that your emotions and perceptions are faulty and can’t be trusted; Any time your own feelings are disregarded or denied, invalidation has occurred. Minimizing: Says things like “You’re exaggerating” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”; Trivializes by suggesting that something you have communicated is inconsequential or unimportant. Unpredictable Responses: Acts angry or upset in a situation that normally would not warrant such a response, or gets angry certain times but not others; Blows up or gets angry at you over innocent comments you made; You feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around him/her; Has drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts; Likes something you do one day, but hates it the next. Verbal Assaults: Berates, belittles, criticizes, threatens, or calls you names; Subtle to blatant use of sarcasm and humiliation; Constantly finds flaws with you; Makes fun of you in front of others, or in private.

Emotional abuse often starts out very subtly, and progresses gradually over a period of time. Abusers are master manipulators, and can deceive even your friends and family – as well as their own. Trust your own feelings and perceptions. Mental abuse, also referred to as “mind games” is when one person uses another person’s insecurities, phobias and fears to “force” another to do what they wish. Withholding various items, feelings, affection, or personal and physical needs such as food, sleep, water, comfort, warmth and elimination in order to make one person do another’s command is also a means of mental abuse. Examples of mental abuse include a husband withholding children in order to force a woman to have sex with him; not allowing someone to go to sleep in an attempt to get them to confess to something or share information; not allowing a person the use of bathroom facilities due to inappropriate behavior; or forcing someone to deal with a fear – such as one of spiders or snakes – as punishment. The effects of mental abuse include depression, emotional withdraw, social isolation, self-mutilating behaviors, extremely low self esteem, addictions to drugs and alcohol, excessive anxiety, sleep disorders, or suicide. Group Questions: 1. What are some signs that you have noticed, that are forms of abuse - in your life? How have they affected you? 2. Have do you respond to those “red flags”? Are you more aware now or not?

Read and consider: If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn. If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway. If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy. If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful. If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over. If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you. If you dress sexy, he says you're too fast. If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad. When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him. If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it. If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him, If you don't, he says you don't trust him. If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're nagging. If he brings up a problem, he yells. If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted". If he breaks it, it's because "he had to". If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you up. If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.